Business Plans and
Endorsement Ideas For Washed Up Celebrities
Between commercial endorsements and reality shows like “The Surreal Life,”
we’ve seen a recent resurgence of forgotten 80s and 90s celebrities. So
what if your career ended fifteen years ago? It doesn’t matter anymore,
because with 900 channels on TV and thousands of commercials airing every
day, everyone gets a second (or eighteenth) chance at fame.
Hammer was a pioneer in this field, overcoming washed-up rapper status to star
in a bunch of commercials, selling everything from legal advice to potato
chips. Now, everyone from Danny Bonaduce to Salt-n-Pepa to Coolio has come back
to remind us why we sorta liked them in the first place.
Alas, not all former celebrities have been able to capitalize on this trend.
For those forgotten stars, here are some endorsement ideas that could lead to a
Mayim Bialyk, a.k.a. “Blossom”
Blossom’s Flower Shop makes way too much sense. She could even bring Joey
Lawrence back, to describe his feelings on each week’s special deals.
Mayim: Hey Joey, did you see we’re featuring a 50% discount on Dendrobium
Orchids this week, just in time for prom season?
Color Me Badd
Bowflex / “I wanna flex you up” marketing slogans practically write themselves.
if that doesn’t work out, what about a partnership with Crayola?
Mix-a-Lot, creator of the smash hit “Baby Got Back,” would make the perfect
spokesperson for Gold’s Gyms. The commercials would start out with Mix-a-Lot
rapping about liking big butts and how girls should have a lot of “back.” Then,
a girl with an enormous backside walks by, the music screeches to a halt, and
Mix-a-Lot yells out, “Woah baby, that’s too much back!” The
commercial ends with an announcer saying, “Does your baby have too much back?
Get her a membership to Gold’s Gym this Christmas! Because Fonda might not
have a motor in the back of her Honda, but at least she doesn’t have a spare
Jaleel White, a.k.a. Urkel
know those CarFax History Report commercials, where it shows a car being
destroyed and then urges people to get thorough information before purchasing a
used vehicle? Jaleel White would be perfect for their next advertising
campaign. They could show him, in his Urkel costume (obviously), destroying
cars in a series of spazz-like maneuvers. For example, in one commercial he’d
be trying to develop a time machine, and would hook it up to his car battery for
extra power, accidentally blowing up the car in the process. In another, he’d
somehow drop a bowling ball through the windshield. After each accident, he’d
shrug and say “Did I do thaaaat?!?,” then a voice-over would say, “Before you
buy a used car, make sure you get a CarFax History Report!”
Dennis Haskins, a.k.a. Mr. Belding, Principal from “Saved By The Bell”
Principal Financial Group hasn’t contacted Haskins is one of life’s great
mysteries. The commercials would be pretty easy to come up with. A
young, over-eager investor makes some unwise investments (using a giant cell
phone, of course), then Mr. Belding gives him a lecture on the importance of
diversifying your portfolio. Might as well get Screech involved, too.
Daniella Deutscher, a.k.a. Julie from “Hang Time”
Daniella could revise her role as Julie Connor from the 90s show “Hang Time” to
sell Nike’s latest line of basketball shoes. Or, she could just do softcore
Bronson Pinchot, a.k.a. Balki from “Perfect Strangers”
know those dating websites ads where they show annoying people, then put a
“Rejected” stamp over the screen? Bronson could do his Balki character, and
then get the stamp. It would be followed by the tagline, “Looking for your
perfect stranger? Chemistry.com rejects anyone who isn’t a potential match.”
That could be followed up by another message that Chemistry finds a match for
everyone, culminating in Balki getting a date with some crazy Eastern European
woman and doing the “Dance of Joy.”
Famous for his hit rap song, “I Wish,” Skee-Lo would make the perfect spokesperson for the “Make A Wish Foundation.” They could even remix his song...
I wish I was a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I didn’t have cancer
Yeah, OK, maybe that's not the best endorsement idea...
I’m Alf, from the hit TV show of the same name. As many of you know, I love
eating cats. That’s why I just can’t get enough of the Main Street Chinese
Buffet! That’s the Main Street Chinese Buffet, conveniently located next to the
MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice is a trendsetter in the field of washed-up musicians
attempting comebacks, appearing on the “Surreal Life” and in countless VH1
“Where Are They Now”-type specials.
However, he has yet to endorse any of the following things: Ice fishing,
crushed ice, Sweden’s IceHotel, the International Ice and Snow Sculpture
Festival, Al Gore’s global warming campaign, any diamond company,
methamphetamines, or Shane Johnson’s 2002 alternate history novel about an
Apollo 19-esque mission to the moon (titled, you guessed it, Ice).
What’s the holdup, Vanilla?